We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the fourth of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 4 = PEACE

There was a story in the news the other day that talked about companies “requiring” their employees to take vacation. Yup, they said it was mandatory not only to take time off, but to “unplug” from work… no phone… no email… no project work. As I watched the story, I thought, “Hey, peace and quiet. What a great idea for a blog.” Who doesn’t enjoy some peace and quiet at home?

However, as I began to think about this weekend, and the significance of Memorial Day here in the U.S., I realized there is an entirely different kind of peace to be considered. I’m thankful to all of our service men and women who sacrifice so much, and in some cases have made the ultimate sacrifice, to defend our country.

It is difficult to think about peace without also thinking about war. Peace is the absence of war, yet there have been times throughout history when war became necessary to ensure peace. However, there is a difference between peace in the world and peace in our homes. When we think of the words “War” or “Fight”, we think about an enemy, and that limits our ability to ensure peace in our own homes. The challenge we face is to look at peace differently.

We don’t want enemies in our own homes. If we view our spouse, our kids, our siblings, or even our parents as enemies; when there is conflict, disagreement, or tension, we become defensive and want to win. This puts us in the mindset of fighting against the people we care about most.

What if, instead of focusing on war, we choose to focus on peace? Rather than fighting against those closest to us, what if we decided to fight for them?

For example, when people argue, their entire focus is to make and prove their point – that they’re “right”. What if we choose to have a discussion instead? Of course, this would involve really listening to the other person, and letting them finish sharing their point before you share yours. It would become less about winning and more about understanding.

Another typical situation involves tearing each other down through jokes, comments, or insults. You may be thinking, “Hey, Jim, that’s just called DINNER at my house.” It may seem harmless and funny, yet there is something to be said for .., “If you hear it enough, you begin to believe it.” What if we choose to offer encouragement or balanced feedback instead? In some cases, you may even want to give advice. That’s OK, but I’d suggest first asking if the person even wants your advice. The truth is that sometimes they just need someone to listen. This gives them the opportunity to talk about what’s going on and maybe even vent. While venting may seem pointless, it allows for the emotion to be expressed and acknowledged so that the real issue can then be discussed.

It’s also important to recognize that not everyone in your house enjoys the same things, and that’s OK. A colleague of mine says, “Different isn’t wrong, it’s just… different”. Individual needs and wants are not worth fighting about, yet they are worth fighting for. If you seek more social time or more quiet time, speak up. For example, I know my wife enjoys a quiet night at home just watching movies and relaxing. She knows that I love entertaining. The more people we have over for dinner, the more fun it is for me. Well, it’s actually fun for both of us because I love to cook and Barb loves to clean (I guess opposites really do attract).

Is your home a place of peace? If you’re not sure, take some time to quietly watch what’s happening in your home. Do you have more discussions than arguments? Do you find yourself giving, and maybe sometimes seeking, advice or guidance? Do you know enough about each other to truly understand and help meet the needs and wants of those in your own home?

There is much criticism about the divisions that exist in our own country. The news is filled with stories about disagreements and fighting and who’s right and what’s wrong. It doesn’t reflect well on a country founded on the rights and freedoms that the men and women of our military fight for every day.

To show our respect, we can start by respecting each other. If we want to be united, we need to first ensure peace in our homes. Then, let that peace follow us to school, work, and everywhere else we can have an impact.