We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the third of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 3 = SECURITY

When we welcomed our family dog into our home years ago, we decided to crate train him. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Copper was a puppy, and most puppies like to chew and explore and chew some more. When no one was home, or when everyone was headed to bed for the night, he’d go into his crate. The plan worked well until I went on a business trip.

When I got back, everything seemed fine, until it was time to go to sleep. My wife lifted Copper onto our bed as he was still too little to jump up there by himself. Then, my wife slowly broke the news.

BARB: (hesitantly) “While you were on your trip, Copper whined a lot… at night.

ME: “I know, he’s a puppy. They do that.”

BARB: “Well, one night I brought him up on the bed, and he fell asleep just lying next to me.”

ME: (Not realizing what was about to happen) “That’s so cool.”

BARB: “I was hoping you’d say that… because he’s been sleeping on our bed the last few nights.”

ME: “What!? What happened to all that crate training?”

Barb explained that he’d still be in his crate during the day, but he’d sleep with us at night. I agreed to let him sleep on the bed as long as he actually slept… and he did. It made sense because he felt safe.

When we’d go to work during the day, he would go in his crate because he felt safe there too. This arrangement worked very well. However, a few years ago, we tried to un-crate train him. We hid the crate, closed all the doors, and went for a quick trip to the store. When we returned, he was shaking like a leaf. He was scared and upset, but why? Our vet said that we took away his safe place… his crate. We decided not to pursue the un-crate training any further.

Fast forward to this week. I came home from a trip, and Barb told me that she and our son Nick had successfully un-crate trained Copper. While I was very surprised, I wondered what they had done differently this time.

Basically, when they leave, they put him in his crate, but they leave the door open. Each day they’d leave that door open a little further… until one day Barb came home and found Copper sleeping on our bed. Each day they’d find blankets moved or fluffed up, pillows rearranged, and food and water consumed. It was obvious that he was becoming comfortable with his new freedom inside the house.

That’s when it hit me. In these days of security systems, surveillance cameras, multiple locks, and everything else designed to keep people out, what really helps people feel safe is how they feel inside the space. There are times when we’re home and Copper will still go into his crate to nap or just hang out, but he’s been with us for so many years that he simply feels safe in our home. Yes, I know, he’s a dog. However, feeling safe in your own home is something every family member in that home should feel too.

Do your kids feel safe expressing their opinions in your home… even if your opinion is different? Do your kids feel safe talking to you about life and what’s going on in their world… no matter how different it is from the world you knew at their age? Does everyone living in your home feel they can try something new… even if they aren’t successful? The basic question is how safe does your own family feel inside your home?

If you spend all of your time and energy focused on locking everyone out, eventually you’ll get the result you’ve created. You’ll be alone in an empty house. Instead, open the dialog, have more conversations, and find ways to make your home a safe place on the inside. As parents, one of our jobs is to protect our children. That’s a fantastic goal. However, if that protection becomes a barrier (like locking our puppy in that crate) we may be limiting independence and the opportunity for success.

Is your home a safe place? If you’re not sure, take some time to notice the kinds of conversations and activities happening inside your home. Do you talk to each other about important issues? If your kids are older and on their own, do they still call or come by to visit? If your kids are younger, do they hang out at home, and do their friends want to hang out at your house too?

Even as life and the world around us continues to change, I’m grateful to Copper for reminding me that sometimes safety isn’t about protecting us from what scares us, but rather about helping us to confront it and find a way through it. Being in a comfortable environment with people who genuinely care about us is the best way to feel safe while at home, and when the door is left open to explore beyond our comfort zone, we each have a clear opportunity to confidently strive for success.