This is the second of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 2: COURTSHIP (The Hull)
Genesis 2:18-24

The crew, equipment, and cargo are all kept in the hull of the sailboat. As you begin the process of courtship, remember that you are a crew of two. As individuals, you are each uniquely equipped for a variety of situations, and you’ll need to work together to be successful. Let’s not forget about the cargo. You each have family, friends, and a past that must be included on your journey. Get to “KNOW” each other.

Marriage is intended as a life-long bond. However, that idea is in stark contrast with the world view. Today, everything happens quickly, is disposable, and is “self” centered. I am amazed at how often I hear, “Nothing lasts forever”. That’s true for food, cars, and appliances, but that is not God’s intent for marriage.

In my research, so many divorced individuals shared a very common story. As one woman told me, “I only knew my “X” for a few weeks before we got married”.

“Knew him?” I asked.

“Well, we met, and three weeks later we were married”, she admitted. Realizing what she had just said, she smiled and commented, “I guess we really didn’t know each other very well.”

This brings up an interesting question. How well do you need to know each other before getting married? The answer is… well enough to paint a clear picture of things to come. I’m not saying that you can predict the future, but if you pay special attention in four key areas, you can get a glimpse of what “Could be”. That view can help guide you in one of the biggest decisions of your life.

Unfortunately, we’ve all been exposed to the fairy tales and the happily-ever- after’s. The courtship is quick, the hero wins the battle, and, well, you know the rest. Sadly, in “real-life”, it’s just not that simple. Currently, more than one third of first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. While that percentage has declined since its peak at 40% in 1980, the divorce rates for second and third marriages are still higher. You can contribute to lowering these statistics by taking your courtship more seriously. You’re probably thinking…”Way to ruin it. Now it just sounds like work.”

Well, that’s because it is. Think about all the planning, work, time, and effort that go into manufacturing a product, building a house, or starting a company. How much more precious is your marriage? I am the first to admit that the courtship should be fun. However, it’s also a very necessary and real learning opportunity.

Kids
The first area that requires special attention during your courtship is an opportunity for each of you to share your thoughts, feelings, and plans for having and raising kids. I love looking at pictures kids draw of their families. You learn in an instant how they perceive everyone in their household. In much the same way, you have an opportunity to share how you feel, and learn how your potential spouse feels, about kids before you ever get married. You have the chance to paint that picture in advance, so there are no surprises later. It is important for you to discuss and agree on a plan regarding kids.

Needs
The second area that requires special attention during your courtship is an opportunity for each of you to express your true needs. We all go through life wanting certain things, having specific needs. Our natural, emotional, and spiritual needs are just the beginning. As society gets a hold of us, we are forced to consider employment and domestic needs as well. It is important to be aware of, and learn to accommodate, your partner’s needs.

Observations
The third area that requires special attention during your courtship is your opportunity to observe your soon-to-be spouse. I understand that love is blind, and starry-eyed romance can cloud your view of reality, because I too am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. However, the hope for a strong marriage is very real. I encourage you to pay attention to and discuss your observations.

Some observations will have a positive impact on your marriage. I noticed that Barb’s family always had loud, laughter-filled, dinners. It’s no surprise that our dinner table is usually very energetic with lots of laughter.

Other observations are cause for concern. Many people think, “It doesn’t matter what he or she says or does while we’re dating, things will change once we get married.” Yeah, sure they will. This is one of the biggest mistakes couples make when entering into marriage.

Wishes
The fourth area that requires special attention during your courtship is your opportunity to share in each other’s dreams for the future. From the time we are children, we begin to think about what we want when we grow up. Sadly, I’ve heard too many people say, “I gave up my dreams when I got married”.

Really? Why? Marriage is a partnership on so many levels. God created us to help each other. Instead of giving up on what you want, share your dreams with each other, and work together to achieve your wishes. There are four steps you can take together to make your dreams a reality. I like to call this the WISH approach.
W = Want: Describe a goal you have for yourself or for the two of you as a couple.
I = Involvement: How can you each contribute to the success of your goal?
S = Set a timeline: Select a specific date or a timeline in months or years.
H = How to: List the detailed steps you’ll need to take to achieve your goal.

Courtship is about spending time together preparing for your future. Watching and listening are very important skills when it comes to learning about your spouse. Enjoy getting to KNOW each other, and that journey will last a lifetime.