Home Is Where the Start Is

I never realized how the rules we established in our home when our kids were young could have such a profound impact on how we navigate life today. There are so many recommendations regarding safety and social distancing. With those guidelines come choices we each need to make about what we will personally do.

While “Stay At Home” orders have been lifted, there are still a set of suggested practices in place in an effort to keep us all safe. For the sake of illustration, let’s call these guidelines “Rules”. When our kids were young, we established a set of “Rules” that every family member was expected to follow. There were also consequences. If the rules were followed, there were positive consequences. If not, there were negative consequences. This simple structure made clear the fact that every choice has a consequence – good or bad.

For the last few months, we have all been experiencing life at home in a very different way. It may be stressful having everyone at home, but it’s also a blessing. More families are eating meals, playing games, watching movies, and even engaging in conversations together. What a shame that it took a pandemic to help us rediscover our own families.

There is another opportunity here to help shape a more healthy and successful future. I wonder if having a few “Rules” to follow at home would make being at home less stressful while also making it easier to follow the guidelines outside the home. At last count, we had 36 House Rules. I’d like to share three of my favorites. If you like the idea, you’re welcome to use these or come up with your own.

Rule #1: Answer the question you’re asked.
This has been one of the best rules we’ve ever implemented. It clarifies conversations and reduces confusion. I wish the media and the people they interview could follow this rule. Think about how much less confusing the world would be.

Rule #2: No devices at the dinner table.
The best way to enjoy dinner with your family is by reducing distractions. Consider creating a charging area (a “Parking Lot” if you will) for cell phones and other devices. Just before sitting down to dinner, invite everyone to place their devices in the charging area so they’re out of reach. To further reduce distractions, play music in the background rather than turning on a TV show. For variety, let a different family member pick the music each night.

Rule #3: Knock and ask permission before entering a room with a closed door.
Having everyone in the same house can make you feel like you have no privacy at all. No matter where you are in the house, maybe people just barge in unannounced. This rule provides some needed privacy while helping others to respect your privacy as well. You may consider starting with locking closed doors so others are required to knock before entering. Then, once others in your home get used to the idea, you can close the door without locking it, and they’ll still knock. Another idea is to put a sign on the door, so others know you’re busy. For example, “I’m on a Zoom call”, “I’m working”, or “I’m taking a nap”.

2 NEW RULES
We’ll call these rules 4 and 5. Due to the global pandemic, and the recent removal of the “Stay At Home” orders, we have two new rules in our house to help keep us safe inside and outside of our own home.

Rule #4: Wear a mask when going out around others.
Everyone in our house has their own cloth mask. We used a Sharpie to put an initial on each mask to identify the owner. When going inside anywhere other than our own home, the expectation is that the mask be worn. We have discussed how the mask primarily helps protect others, and it also protects us. While we can’t force other people to wear a mask in public places, we can choose to lead by example.

Rule #5: Keep our house clean.
When returning home, the rule is that clothes are put into a load that will be washed that day. This includes masks, shirts, pants, and other outerwear. Depending on where the family member went, other practices are followed ranging from thorough hand washing to a complete shower. For example, if you just drove to a restaurant to pick up dinner, and the staff brought it to your car, hand washing makes sense. If you spent time indoors at a store, residence, or other indoor facility, a change of clothes or a shower might be in order. We also wipe down items brought into our house from a shopping trip or a delivered package.

I’m not saying that everyone needs to adopt our rules. Instead, I’m suggesting that our behaviors and choices begin with what we teach and learn at home.

For years, I’ve been sharing stories about navigating beyond perceived limitations. The current global health crisis has created some very real limitations for life as we know it. However, we can successfully navigate these challenges if we begin with what happens in our own homes.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 1

Barb and I recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, so I guess you could say I have marriage on my mind. However, over the years, we’ve watched many family members and friends untie the knot. I struggled to understand how people could just walk away. I wanted to do something, anything, to change that pattern. Barb had only one thing to say. “You’re a trainer…, figure it out”.

That comment sparked quite a discussion and became the springboard to a real life research project. As a corporate trainer, I was on the road quite a bit. I decided to take advantage of that by conducting informal interviews about marriage and divorce with anyone who would talk to me. I’d start conversations on airplanes, in restaurants, in classrooms, in hotel lobbies, on evening walks, and anywhere else I had the chance to meet people and just listen. Two years and many conversations later, the answers became clear. What keeps a marriage together? What causes a couple to call it quits? With that information, and a solid foundation about what God says, I created an interactive one day workshop titled, “Sailing the 7 C’s of a Successful Marriage”.

However, not everyone has the opportunity to attend a workshop, so I’ve decided to share my findings in a series of blogs. If you’re engaged or married, it is my sincere hope that you will find a path to true joy in your relationship.

This is the first of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Based on the title, I will be comparing the elements of marriage to components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for the workshop and this blog series.

Part 1: COMMUNICATION (The Keel)
1 Corinthians 13:1

On a sailboat, the keel is the most important part. It stabilizes the boat and keeps it well balanced. In your relationship, that stability and balance is just as important. “TALK” to each other.

I met an older gentleman while on a recent flight. We talked about the fact that he had been married for 50 years. I asked him the key to their success. His response was, “I wear a hearing aid. When she talks, I listen. When she talks too much, well… I turn down the volume.”

He laughed, and then assured me that he and his wife talk about everything. I asked if they ever ran out things to talk about. He quietly looked out the window, gave a deep sigh, turned to me, and said, “A lot happens in 50 years.”

Of course it does, I thought, what a stupid question! Sadly, many couples get quiet very early in their relationships. This silence becomes the norm. I’ve heard people say that they’re quiet because they’re comfortable. That’s not comfortable, it’s dangerous. However, there are ways to maintain successful communication. In your relationship, you will need to constantly communicate, maybe for 50 years… or more. Learn how to really T.A.L.K. to each other.

Take TIME
Many couples say that they are just too busy to sit and have a conversation. Work, family, friends, TV, computer, sports, and so many other activities have a way of robbing us of our time. Well, if that’s true, you are an accomplice in the theft of your most precious resource, your time. Take time to have meaningful conversations with your partner.

ASK questions
When you have these conversations, it’s not a speech. Instead, it’s a two-way street. It’s OK to ask questions. That is your best opportunity to really understand what your partner is saying.

LISTEN well
What each of you has to say is important. Try to eliminate any distractions. Barb and I will sit on the couch with the TV off! Yes, you can actually do that. Sometimes, we sit on the patio to really focus on our conversation. Find a place in your home that the two of you can use as a conversation location (Sorry, Barb works in a library, so occasionally I’m inspired by authors like Dr. Seuss). The key here is to listen well, and if you’re paying attention, that’s a much easier task.

Have you ever met a couple that said they know each other so well that they can finish each other’s sentences? Cuuute… yet annoying in a serious conversation. Remain quiet while your partner talks. You’ll know when it’s your turn. We get so caught up in what our response will be that we don’t really listen to what the other person is saying. Part of that is due to our need to express our own opinion or insert our own experience.

KEEP an open mind
Be open to what your partner has to say. Consider the fact that most people are actually attracted to someone who is not exactly like themselves. Since opposites attract, you quickly discover that you won’t have identical views on everything either. That’s OK. Let your partner express his or her views and ideas. Once you really understand the message, point, opinion, situation, etc, then reply.

It’s also important to remain calm. Emotion has a funny way of inhibiting our ability to listen. Isn’t that how society is though? If someone has different beliefs, some people just react or overreact rather than taking the time to really listen. That choice, to react rather than respond, creates a communication limitation. It can cause people to tune each other out. Remember, a lot happens in our daily lives. If you really want stability and balance in your marriage, lovingly TALK to each other.