Home Is Where the Start Is

I never realized how the rules we established in our home when our kids were young could have such a profound impact on how we navigate life today. There are so many recommendations regarding safety and social distancing. With those guidelines come choices we each need to make about what we will personally do.

While “Stay At Home” orders have been lifted, there are still a set of suggested practices in place in an effort to keep us all safe. For the sake of illustration, let’s call these guidelines “Rules”. When our kids were young, we established a set of “Rules” that every family member was expected to follow. There were also consequences. If the rules were followed, there were positive consequences. If not, there were negative consequences. This simple structure made clear the fact that every choice has a consequence – good or bad.

For the last few months, we have all been experiencing life at home in a very different way. It may be stressful having everyone at home, but it’s also a blessing. More families are eating meals, playing games, watching movies, and even engaging in conversations together. What a shame that it took a pandemic to help us rediscover our own families.

There is another opportunity here to help shape a more healthy and successful future. I wonder if having a few “Rules” to follow at home would make being at home less stressful while also making it easier to follow the guidelines outside the home. At last count, we had 36 House Rules. I’d like to share three of my favorites. If you like the idea, you’re welcome to use these or come up with your own.

Rule #1: Answer the question you’re asked.
This has been one of the best rules we’ve ever implemented. It clarifies conversations and reduces confusion. I wish the media and the people they interview could follow this rule. Think about how much less confusing the world would be.

Rule #2: No devices at the dinner table.
The best way to enjoy dinner with your family is by reducing distractions. Consider creating a charging area (a “Parking Lot” if you will) for cell phones and other devices. Just before sitting down to dinner, invite everyone to place their devices in the charging area so they’re out of reach. To further reduce distractions, play music in the background rather than turning on a TV show. For variety, let a different family member pick the music each night.

Rule #3: Knock and ask permission before entering a room with a closed door.
Having everyone in the same house can make you feel like you have no privacy at all. No matter where you are in the house, maybe people just barge in unannounced. This rule provides some needed privacy while helping others to respect your privacy as well. You may consider starting with locking closed doors so others are required to knock before entering. Then, once others in your home get used to the idea, you can close the door without locking it, and they’ll still knock. Another idea is to put a sign on the door, so others know you’re busy. For example, “I’m on a Zoom call”, “I’m working”, or “I’m taking a nap”.

2 NEW RULES
We’ll call these rules 4 and 5. Due to the global pandemic, and the recent removal of the “Stay At Home” orders, we have two new rules in our house to help keep us safe inside and outside of our own home.

Rule #4: Wear a mask when going out around others.
Everyone in our house has their own cloth mask. We used a Sharpie to put an initial on each mask to identify the owner. When going inside anywhere other than our own home, the expectation is that the mask be worn. We have discussed how the mask primarily helps protect others, and it also protects us. While we can’t force other people to wear a mask in public places, we can choose to lead by example.

Rule #5: Keep our house clean.
When returning home, the rule is that clothes are put into a load that will be washed that day. This includes masks, shirts, pants, and other outerwear. Depending on where the family member went, other practices are followed ranging from thorough hand washing to a complete shower. For example, if you just drove to a restaurant to pick up dinner, and the staff brought it to your car, hand washing makes sense. If you spent time indoors at a store, residence, or other indoor facility, a change of clothes or a shower might be in order. We also wipe down items brought into our house from a shopping trip or a delivered package.

I’m not saying that everyone needs to adopt our rules. Instead, I’m suggesting that our behaviors and choices begin with what we teach and learn at home.

For years, I’ve been sharing stories about navigating beyond perceived limitations. The current global health crisis has created some very real limitations for life as we know it. However, we can successfully navigate these challenges if we begin with what happens in our own homes.

Building a Home – Part 3

We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the third of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 3 = SECURITY

When we welcomed our family dog into our home years ago, we decided to crate train him. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Copper was a puppy, and most puppies like to chew and explore and chew some more. When no one was home, or when everyone was headed to bed for the night, he’d go into his crate. The plan worked well until I went on a business trip.

When I got back, everything seemed fine, until it was time to go to sleep. My wife lifted Copper onto our bed as he was still too little to jump up there by himself. Then, my wife slowly broke the news.

BARB: (hesitantly) “While you were on your trip, Copper whined a lot… at night.

ME: “I know, he’s a puppy. They do that.”

BARB: “Well, one night I brought him up on the bed, and he fell asleep just lying next to me.”

ME: (Not realizing what was about to happen) “That’s so cool.”

BARB: “I was hoping you’d say that… because he’s been sleeping on our bed the last few nights.”

ME: “What!? What happened to all that crate training?”

Barb explained that he’d still be in his crate during the day, but he’d sleep with us at night. I agreed to let him sleep on the bed as long as he actually slept… and he did. It made sense because he felt safe.

When we’d go to work during the day, he would go in his crate because he felt safe there too. This arrangement worked very well. However, a few years ago, we tried to un-crate train him. We hid the crate, closed all the doors, and went for a quick trip to the store. When we returned, he was shaking like a leaf. He was scared and upset, but why? Our vet said that we took away his safe place… his crate. We decided not to pursue the un-crate training any further.

Fast forward to this week. I came home from a trip, and Barb told me that she and our son Nick had successfully un-crate trained Copper. While I was very surprised, I wondered what they had done differently this time.

Basically, when they leave, they put him in his crate, but they leave the door open. Each day they’d leave that door open a little further… until one day Barb came home and found Copper sleeping on our bed. Each day they’d find blankets moved or fluffed up, pillows rearranged, and food and water consumed. It was obvious that he was becoming comfortable with his new freedom inside the house.

That’s when it hit me. In these days of security systems, surveillance cameras, multiple locks, and everything else designed to keep people out, what really helps people feel safe is how they feel inside the space. There are times when we’re home and Copper will still go into his crate to nap or just hang out, but he’s been with us for so many years that he simply feels safe in our home. Yes, I know, he’s a dog. However, feeling safe in your own home is something every family member in that home should feel too.

Do your kids feel safe expressing their opinions in your home… even if your opinion is different? Do your kids feel safe talking to you about life and what’s going on in their world… no matter how different it is from the world you knew at their age? Does everyone living in your home feel they can try something new… even if they aren’t successful? The basic question is how safe does your own family feel inside your home?

If you spend all of your time and energy focused on locking everyone out, eventually you’ll get the result you’ve created. You’ll be alone in an empty house. Instead, open the dialog, have more conversations, and find ways to make your home a safe place on the inside. As parents, one of our jobs is to protect our children. That’s a fantastic goal. However, if that protection becomes a barrier (like locking our puppy in that crate) we may be limiting independence and the opportunity for success.

Is your home a safe place? If you’re not sure, take some time to notice the kinds of conversations and activities happening inside your home. Do you talk to each other about important issues? If your kids are older and on their own, do they still call or come by to visit? If your kids are younger, do they hang out at home, and do their friends want to hang out at your house too?

Even as life and the world around us continues to change, I’m grateful to Copper for reminding me that sometimes safety isn’t about protecting us from what scares us, but rather about helping us to confront it and find a way through it. Being in a comfortable environment with people who genuinely care about us is the best way to feel safe while at home, and when the door is left open to explore beyond our comfort zone, we each have a clear opportunity to confidently strive for success.

Building a Home – Part 1

We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the first of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 1 = LOVE

A few nights ago, I was home alone working in my office, when – all of a sudden – I heard what sounded like a car crashing through my garage door. The dog and I looked at each other like.., “What was that?” I actually called the police (OK, I’ll wait to continue until you stop laughing), but if you know me, you know one thing for sure, I wasn’t going out there alone (and neither was the dog).

The police observed our neighborhood, and then we inspected the outside of the garage door together. Everything looked fine – normal. Then the officers suggested that we go inside the garage to see if something fell or broke. Just to be safe, we entered the garage through the house instead of opening the door from outside. Once inside the garage, one of the officers noticed that a garage door spring had broken. He said, “I’ve heard that when those springs break, it sounds like a gun shot.”

Well, actually, it sounds like a car crashing through the garage door… which explains why I wasn’t going out there alone. It’s interesting to me how things can look so normal on the outside, yet the brittle nature of what’s happening on the inside can cause such damage. My wife Barb and I joke about how things just aren’t built to last. It’s been years since we’ve had any trouble with that garage door. It went about its daily routine until one day – BAM!

With social media providing the “Perfect” highlight reel (because no one really wants to share their bad news), we develop unrealistic expectations of how everything is “Supposed” to be. That can cause us to change or limit our behavior. Remember the Forrest Gump quote, “Life is like a box of chocolates… because you never know what you’re going to get”? Thankfully, love is not like a box of chocolates.., or is it?

Imagine giving your special someone a box of chocolates from last year. First of all, the expiration date alone would drive me crazy! Then, there is the condition of the chocolate inside the box. Is it fresh and soft, or is it stale and brittle? In much the same way, that is how love can feel in our own homes if we don’t put in the effort with our spouse or our kids.

Thankfully, love is a choice. In the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 7, tell us what love is and what love is not.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

What I find so interesting is that each description, each action, is a choice. Not a circumstance… not a situation, not a result, but an unconditional conscious choice. This is especially true of the behaviors talked about in a positive light… reminding us about what love “is”.

In our own homes, we could all be a little more patient, a little more kind, celebrate the truth, protect each other, trust each other, hope for the best in each other, and persevere as a family.

That brittle garage door spring resulted in a new garage door because the old door was cracked and damaged. The events of this week also gave me an opportunity to look at things differently. Thankfully, there wasn’t a car or a family member in the path when that spring broke. Maybe love is like a fresh box of chocolates, but not because of what we’re going to get. It’s about what we choose to give from within that truly matters.