Building a Home – Part 1

We’ve lived in Arizona for almost two decades. We’ve been in the same house, a house we built, for that entire time. While we made choices about the structure, the layout, and the interior and exterior options, our house is… just a house. What makes a house a home is what happens on the inside. This is the first of 5 blogs in a series called “Building a Home”.

Part 1 = LOVE

A few nights ago, I was home alone working in my office, when – all of a sudden – I heard what sounded like a car crashing through my garage door. The dog and I looked at each other like.., “What was that?” I actually called the police (OK, I’ll wait to continue until you stop laughing), but if you know me, you know one thing for sure, I wasn’t going out there alone (and neither was the dog).

The police observed our neighborhood, and then we inspected the outside of the garage door together. Everything looked fine – normal. Then the officers suggested that we go inside the garage to see if something fell or broke. Just to be safe, we entered the garage through the house instead of opening the door from outside. Once inside the garage, one of the officers noticed that a garage door spring had broken. He said, “I’ve heard that when those springs break, it sounds like a gun shot.”

Well, actually, it sounds like a car crashing through the garage door… which explains why I wasn’t going out there alone. It’s interesting to me how things can look so normal on the outside, yet the brittle nature of what’s happening on the inside can cause such damage. My wife Barb and I joke about how things just aren’t built to last. It’s been years since we’ve had any trouble with that garage door. It went about its daily routine until one day – BAM!

With social media providing the “Perfect” highlight reel (because no one really wants to share their bad news), we develop unrealistic expectations of how everything is “Supposed” to be. That can cause us to change or limit our behavior. Remember the Forrest Gump quote, “Life is like a box of chocolates… because you never know what you’re going to get”? Thankfully, love is not like a box of chocolates.., or is it?

Imagine giving your special someone a box of chocolates from last year. First of all, the expiration date alone would drive me crazy! Then, there is the condition of the chocolate inside the box. Is it fresh and soft, or is it stale and brittle? In much the same way, that is how love can feel in our own homes if we don’t put in the effort with our spouse or our kids.

Thankfully, love is a choice. In the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 7, tell us what love is and what love is not.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

What I find so interesting is that each description, each action, is a choice. Not a circumstance… not a situation, not a result, but an unconditional conscious choice. This is especially true of the behaviors talked about in a positive light… reminding us about what love “is”.

In our own homes, we could all be a little more patient, a little more kind, celebrate the truth, protect each other, trust each other, hope for the best in each other, and persevere as a family.

That brittle garage door spring resulted in a new garage door because the old door was cracked and damaged. The events of this week also gave me an opportunity to look at things differently. Thankfully, there wasn’t a car or a family member in the path when that spring broke. Maybe love is like a fresh box of chocolates, but not because of what we’re going to get. It’s about what we choose to give from within that truly matters.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 6

This is the sixth of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 6: COMPROMISE (The Boom)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Notice that the boom can move in both directions. Sometimes the center works, but at other times, moving the boom to one side or the other is necessary to continue on course. In your relationship, you can navigate a steady course by being willing to move a little, or maybe a lot in some cases. Rest assured, you are not giving in or giving up, you are working together.

I love how God tells us through the Bible, “Here’s what I DON’T want you to do, and here’s what I DO want you to do”. When talking about how to love each other, I have rarely attended or conducted a wedding where 1 Corinthians 13 wasn’t quoted at least once. This chapter of the Bible is a perfect description of God’s desire for us and how to get along in our marriages.

Compromise doesn’t mean selling out or giving up. It means working together to reach a decision or conclusion. Yet, the way we speak to each other as husband and wife is usually dictated by what’s going on at the time. When things are going well, it’s easy to be patient and kind. However, when we don’t like how things are going, or we don’t agree with what is happening, do we honor God by putting 1 Corinthians 13 to work, or do we let the heat of the moment ruin an opportunity to persevere? In other words, do we argue, or do we disagree?

When we argue, our goal is to “win”, to change the other person’s mind so they see things our way, and we gain control of the situation. However, this “victory” comes at a high price. By venting, our words become harsh. Waiting to bring issues to the table just amplifies feelings and emotions. Digging up past issues as ammunition will cause even more confusion and anger, leading to future battles. Finally, leaving the issue unresolved doesn’t delay victory, it ensures defeat.

Rather than “fight to be right”, it’s more important to “be clear and persevere”. Accept the fact that you will disagree from time to time. It’s OK to explore a difference of opinion on an issue. After all, you are individuals, with different opinions. Think about it, you are very different than your spouse. It’s your differences that create your strength as a couple. You each bring important elements to the relationship. When you disagree, your goal is to understand each other.

When you disagree, be gentle with your words. The entire conversation will take a different feel. Take the opportunity to work through an issue before it gets out of hand by quickly bringing it to the table. Be sure to focus on one issue at a time. Don’t try to bring symptoms, consequences, or other issues into the conversation. That just muddies the water. Finally, be prepared to forgive each other for any behavior or misunderstanding that caused the disagreement in the first place.

Successful compromise involves understanding your spouse’s position, being open to your spouse’s suggestions, being willing to move a little, and having the “patience” to “persevere”.