Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 7

This is the seventh of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 7: CHRIST (The Flag)

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
Matthew 5:14-16

As ships pass, the ensign flag identifies at a glance to which country they belong. As others observe how you handle things together in your marriage, let them see that you belong not to a country, but to Christ. With Jesus in the center of your marriage, people will be drawn to you as they strive to find what you have. Your loving marriage will be a testimony to your trust in the love and provisions of God.

Recently as I entered a building at work, a coworker was briskly passing on his way out. I quickly spun around, grabbed the door, and held it open for him. As he went through the door, he asked, “Why is it that you Christians are always so nice to people for about a month every year?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, but hurried on his way. As I slowly closed the door I began to think about his question. Knowing who he is, he was probably being sarcastic, but is there some truth to his observation? Could it be that Christmas… this once a year holiday season… inspires people to be nicer to each other… with all that “Peace on Earth” and “Good will toward men”… at least for a little while?

As I struggled to find just the right scripture for this blog, it’s no surprise that it came to me while in church last Sunday. The pastor actually said, “Jesus isn’t the reason for the season, the darkness in the world is the reason for Christ”.

Immediately my mind went back to Hayward, Wisconsin almost 20 years ago. It was about 11 PM, and I remember standing on a pier looking up at the clear night sky. Usually, due to my vision, I can count a hand full of stars. However, that night and in that location it was so dark that I could see a hazy white band of stars stretched across the sky from one end to the other. I lost count of how many stars I saw that night.

I thought about the darkness, and the contrast of so much light. Then that made me think about Christmas lights. Having gone through a drive thru Christmas light display earlier this week, I don’t recall seeing any lights representing Christ. There were snowmen, trees, presents, snowflakes, and so many other traditional Christmas items represented, but no Jesus. Then it hit me. How many people say they’re Christians, but that’s not what their light represents?

Maybe they hide it. That would be like me leaving the 10 strands of lights for the tree in the box in which they came. Maybe they’re more private about their faith. That would be like weaving the strands of lights through the hotel lobby sized Christmas tree in our living room, and never plugging them in.

Letting your light shine starts within your marriage relationship. Make plans to study, pray, and worship individually and together. Consider ways you can become involved in a local church. Also, find time to spend with family, friends, and co-workers. Find ways to get involved outside of church too. That might sound strange, but if you spend almost every day at church, it’s like staying in the harbor. No one really notices your flag because everyone’s got the same flag. People we meet outside of a church setting may fly a different flag, or perhaps… no flag at all.

One of my favorite church services is a late night candle light service. What I really like is that it starts in total darkness with one candle. Then, that one candle helps light the next until every candle in the room is lit. It’s amazing how much light that creates.

In much the same way, you can shine your light for your spouse, help him or her discover ways to let his or her light shine, and let those around you see that you belong to Christ. However, it’s not about what you do, but rather that you do… take every opportunity to help others see the light through the darkness. Don’t limit your light to the once a year temporary holiday light display.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 6

This is the sixth of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 6: COMPROMISE (The Boom)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Notice that the boom can move in both directions. Sometimes the center works, but at other times, moving the boom to one side or the other is necessary to continue on course. In your relationship, you can navigate a steady course by being willing to move a little, or maybe a lot in some cases. Rest assured, you are not giving in or giving up, you are working together.

I love how God tells us through the Bible, “Here’s what I DON’T want you to do, and here’s what I DO want you to do”. When talking about how to love each other, I have rarely attended or conducted a wedding where 1 Corinthians 13 wasn’t quoted at least once. This chapter of the Bible is a perfect description of God’s desire for us and how to get along in our marriages.

Compromise doesn’t mean selling out or giving up. It means working together to reach a decision or conclusion. Yet, the way we speak to each other as husband and wife is usually dictated by what’s going on at the time. When things are going well, it’s easy to be patient and kind. However, when we don’t like how things are going, or we don’t agree with what is happening, do we honor God by putting 1 Corinthians 13 to work, or do we let the heat of the moment ruin an opportunity to persevere? In other words, do we argue, or do we disagree?

When we argue, our goal is to “win”, to change the other person’s mind so they see things our way, and we gain control of the situation. However, this “victory” comes at a high price. By venting, our words become harsh. Waiting to bring issues to the table just amplifies feelings and emotions. Digging up past issues as ammunition will cause even more confusion and anger, leading to future battles. Finally, leaving the issue unresolved doesn’t delay victory, it ensures defeat.

Rather than “fight to be right”, it’s more important to “be clear and persevere”. Accept the fact that you will disagree from time to time. It’s OK to explore a difference of opinion on an issue. After all, you are individuals, with different opinions. Think about it, you are very different than your spouse. It’s your differences that create your strength as a couple. You each bring important elements to the relationship. When you disagree, your goal is to understand each other.

When you disagree, be gentle with your words. The entire conversation will take a different feel. Take the opportunity to work through an issue before it gets out of hand by quickly bringing it to the table. Be sure to focus on one issue at a time. Don’t try to bring symptoms, consequences, or other issues into the conversation. That just muddies the water. Finally, be prepared to forgive each other for any behavior or misunderstanding that caused the disagreement in the first place.

Successful compromise involves understanding your spouse’s position, being open to your spouse’s suggestions, being willing to move a little, and having the “patience” to “persevere”.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 5

This is the fifth of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 5: CASH (The Sail)

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”
Malachi 3:10

There are times when conditions require trimming the sail, and at other times, you can let it out full and race through the water. In marriage, you share that sail. It helps move you along, but it’s only one piece of the overall picture.

To clarify, “Blessing” in the scripture reference above may not have anything to do with money. There are so many other ways we may be blessed in our lives. However, some people may misinterpret this reference and think, “If I give, I’ll get something” or “The more I give, the more I’ll get”, but that’s not really the point of the verse. It’s really more about being disciplined with your money and other talents and resources.

My Dad helped me experience that when Barb and I got engaged. He told me that if I saved my money, he’d let me live at home rent free until Barb and I were married. That arrangement worked out very well. We paid off our student loans, her car, and any other outstanding bills. The result: We were debt free on our wedding day. Jokingly, I say we’ve been in debt ever since because sometimes bills can make it feel that way, but we are very aware of where the money goes.

When we were first married, we’d run errands on Saturday mornings. We’d stop at the bank, grab some cash, and begin our day. As we arrived back home, I’d look at how much cash was left and ask, “Where did it go?” We’d then spend the next few minutes accounting for every dollar. I still find great joy in knowing where our money goes.

The best way to know where your money goes is to create a BUDGET. I’d suggest taking 3 months and documenting every spending item no matter how large or small. Once you’ve done that, begin to categorize how you spend your money. Then, you can take a monthly average, and you’ll have a starting point for your budget. Your B.U.D.G.E.T. could include the following categories:

B=Bills
This category is for monthly or annual expenses that must be paid to maintain those items. Some items in this category include: Mortgage/Rent, Health Care, Utilities, Cars, and Phones.

U=Unavailable
This category is for monthly or annual giving, investing, and saving. I’d encourage you to put 30% of your income in this category allowing for 10% in each of the 3 areas.

D=Debt
This category is for lines of credit, loans, or payment plans not associated with items in the Bills category. Some items may include credit cards, a second mortgage, and student loans. One note about credit cards: If you use a credit card for monthly expenses and pay the balance in full each month, that card doesn’t belong in this category because it’s like you used cash.

G=Groceries
This category is for daily, weekly, or monthly consumables and personal care products. These items include food, pet supplies, and toiletries to name a few.

E=Extras
This category is for daily, weekly, or monthly items that may not be necessary on a regular basis. Some of these items include entertainment, dining out, home furnishings, and gifts.

T=Take Home Pay
This category is not about what you spend, but rather about what you earn. Once taxes are deducted from your pay, the portion you actually take home is the amount used to calculate your budget because it’s truly the amount you have available for use.

To balance your BUDGET, subtract your total expenses (B, U, D, G, and E) from your total take home income (T). The ideal budget would leave you with a zero balance. However, if you have a little extra remaining cash, consider leaving it where it is in case you experience a slight budget overage the next month. For the first year, keeping that remaining cash available for overages is a good idea because your budget may fluctuate as the year progresses. However, after one year, adjust your budget for the following year. If you find you still have extra remaining cash, begin adding it to “U” or “D”.

Contact me if you’d like a detailed spreadsheet to help you get started. I encourage you and your spouse to begin the BUDGET process. The effort you put into being disciplined with your money will result in greater peace in your marriage and in your life, and that peace in itself is a tremendous blessing.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 4

This is the fourth of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 4: CUDDLING (The Crow’s Nest)

“Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
Genesis 2:25

There is a peaceful, serine feeling when you are secluded here, where intimate private moments occur without distraction. God has reserved this special time for a husband and wife to enjoy. Sharing your expectations and desires with each other in advance can make this time even more meaningful and enjoyable.

The Crow’s Nest represents intimacy perfectly because your intimate time together is intended as private time between the two of you. I’d like to challenge you as a couple. Not only is your intimate time private, but what happens during that time needs to remain private as well. Too often couples either brag about how great things are or they complain about how horrible they are. In each situation, you are violating that private bond that only the two of you can truly share. Genesis 2:25 reminds us that Adam and Eve “felt no shame”.

I know what you’re thinking… they had no one else to tell. While that may be true, it also contributed to their lack of shame. What if your spouse was standing right behind you and you bragged about your private time or complained about it? How would your spouse feel? If you want to talk about intimacy, talk to your spouse.

I invite you to spend some time sharing your thoughts with each other about intimacy. As you have these conversations, remember that there are two types of intimacy: Emotional and Physical. I’ve separated the questions into those two categories. The questions are intended to get the conversation started, and you can expand your discussion as needed. I’d suggest that you arrange a quiet evening free from interruption, so you can really take your time and focus on this conversation.

CLARIFYING QUESTIONS
C1. What is your definition of Emotional Intimacy?
C2. What is your definition of physical intimacy?
C3. What are the differences between intimacy, affection, and sex?
C4. How have your life experiences shaped your perspective of intimacy?

EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
E1. What do you like most about your emotional intimacy?
E2. When do you prefer to spend emotional time together?
E3. How do you prefer to spend your emotional time together?
E4. Who initiates your emotional time together?
E5. What would you like to talk about more openly?
E6. How do you safeguard your emotionally intimate time together?
E7. What is most challenging for you regarding emotional intimacy?

PHYSICAL INTIMACY
P1. What do you enjoy most about your physical intimacy?
P2. How often would you like to spend physically intimate time together?
P3. Who initiates your physically intimate time together and why?
P4. What triggers or ruins a romantic mood for you?
P5. How do you prevent or handle interruptions?
P6. What limits do you place on sex regarding what, when, or where?
P7. What is most challenging for you regarding physical intimacy?

I encourage you and your spouse to have discussions using the above questions as a starting point. These conversations can feel awkward at first, but your ability to be comfortable with each other on both an emotional and physical level will contribute to your success as a couple. Your opportunities to gain valuable perspectives rely upon your willingness to talk openly and honestly with each other about your expectations and desires.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 3

This is the third of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 3: COMMITMENT (The Mast)
Colossians 3:23-24

In the center of everything that happens is the mast. It is mounted to the hull, and it holds all of the other components in place. By now, you probably see where I’m headed with this one. Commitment to your marriage is also a commitment to God. Honoring each commitment you make to each other is critical for success. Simply put, be “THERE” for each other.

When you think about whom you serve, your attitude about that service changes. For example, children serve their parents, military men and women serve their country, workers serve their company’s customers, and a pastoral staff serves its congregation.

That’s the simple view, but in reality, we are called to serve Jesus in all we do. While that may seem clear for children, soldiers, workers, and even a pastoral staff, it’s often overlooked when it comes to husbands and wives.

This is the area of responsibility where so many couples struggle. It’s our responsibility to be THERE for each other. You can wait days to clean your house, and the result will still be a clean house. It just takes longer to clean. In a very similar way, if you aren’t really there for your spouse, the relationship will begin to slip away, and then it will take much longer to recover.

I am a hopeful romantic. I believe that with the attention God calls each of us to give to our marriage, and more specifically to our spouse, marriages can be strengthened by refining five key behaviors:

Trustworthy = Philippians 2:4
Remember, trust is earned over time, but can be lost in an instant.
What can you do to increase the level of trust your spouse has for you?

Honest = Ephesians 4:2
You can be honest, and still remain gentle and kind as you express yourself.
In what areas can you become even more honest with your spouse?

Encouraging = Proverbs 3:13
First, listen to understand. Then, take action if necessary.
In what ways can you become more emotionally supportive of your spouse?

Responsible = Proverbs 15:22
Much of the stress in a relationship is caused by what I call unknown disappointment. To really address this area, an open, non-judgmental conversation will help each of you clarify an area where you would like your spouse to become more responsible.
In what areas of your relationship can you become more responsible?

Energetic = Ecclesiastes 9:9
We’ve all experienced long days, but no one says, “I wish I spent more time at work”. However, I’ve heard lots of people say, “I wish I spent more time with my wife… my kids… my parents”. Like a breeze, we’re only here for a moment, so I encourage you to make it a priority to spend an energetic moment with your spouse each day.
When could you be more energetic while spending time with your spouse?

I encourage you and your spouse to each answer the above five questions privately. Then, to gain valuable perspective, have a conversation with your spouse where you each can share your answers.

Look for opportunities to strengthen each commitment you have made to your spouse. Your commitment to your marriage is about truly being THERE for each other.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 2

This is the second of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Each of these blogs will include a biblical reference that you can look up on your own followed by a comparison between the elements of marriage and the components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for this blog series.

Part 2: COURTSHIP (The Hull)
Genesis 2:18-24

The crew, equipment, and cargo are all kept in the hull of the sailboat. As you begin the process of courtship, remember that you are a crew of two. As individuals, you are each uniquely equipped for a variety of situations, and you’ll need to work together to be successful. Let’s not forget about the cargo. You each have family, friends, and a past that must be included on your journey. Get to “KNOW” each other.

Marriage is intended as a life-long bond. However, that idea is in stark contrast with the world view. Today, everything happens quickly, is disposable, and is “self” centered. I am amazed at how often I hear, “Nothing lasts forever”. That’s true for food, cars, and appliances, but that is not God’s intent for marriage.

In my research, so many divorced individuals shared a very common story. As one woman told me, “I only knew my “X” for a few weeks before we got married”.

“Knew him?” I asked.

“Well, we met, and three weeks later we were married”, she admitted. Realizing what she had just said, she smiled and commented, “I guess we really didn’t know each other very well.”

This brings up an interesting question. How well do you need to know each other before getting married? The answer is… well enough to paint a clear picture of things to come. I’m not saying that you can predict the future, but if you pay special attention in four key areas, you can get a glimpse of what “Could be”. That view can help guide you in one of the biggest decisions of your life.

Unfortunately, we’ve all been exposed to the fairy tales and the happily-ever- after’s. The courtship is quick, the hero wins the battle, and, well, you know the rest. Sadly, in “real-life”, it’s just not that simple. Currently, more than one third of first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. While that percentage has declined since its peak at 40% in 1980, the divorce rates for second and third marriages are still higher. You can contribute to lowering these statistics by taking your courtship more seriously. You’re probably thinking…”Way to ruin it. Now it just sounds like work.”

Well, that’s because it is. Think about all the planning, work, time, and effort that go into manufacturing a product, building a house, or starting a company. How much more precious is your marriage? I am the first to admit that the courtship should be fun. However, it’s also a very necessary and real learning opportunity.

Kids
The first area that requires special attention during your courtship is an opportunity for each of you to share your thoughts, feelings, and plans for having and raising kids. I love looking at pictures kids draw of their families. You learn in an instant how they perceive everyone in their household. In much the same way, you have an opportunity to share how you feel, and learn how your potential spouse feels, about kids before you ever get married. You have the chance to paint that picture in advance, so there are no surprises later. It is important for you to discuss and agree on a plan regarding kids.

Needs
The second area that requires special attention during your courtship is an opportunity for each of you to express your true needs. We all go through life wanting certain things, having specific needs. Our natural, emotional, and spiritual needs are just the beginning. As society gets a hold of us, we are forced to consider employment and domestic needs as well. It is important to be aware of, and learn to accommodate, your partner’s needs.

Observations
The third area that requires special attention during your courtship is your opportunity to observe your soon-to-be spouse. I understand that love is blind, and starry-eyed romance can cloud your view of reality, because I too am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. However, the hope for a strong marriage is very real. I encourage you to pay attention to and discuss your observations.

Some observations will have a positive impact on your marriage. I noticed that Barb’s family always had loud, laughter-filled, dinners. It’s no surprise that our dinner table is usually very energetic with lots of laughter.

Other observations are cause for concern. Many people think, “It doesn’t matter what he or she says or does while we’re dating, things will change once we get married.” Yeah, sure they will. This is one of the biggest mistakes couples make when entering into marriage.

Wishes
The fourth area that requires special attention during your courtship is your opportunity to share in each other’s dreams for the future. From the time we are children, we begin to think about what we want when we grow up. Sadly, I’ve heard too many people say, “I gave up my dreams when I got married”.

Really? Why? Marriage is a partnership on so many levels. God created us to help each other. Instead of giving up on what you want, share your dreams with each other, and work together to achieve your wishes. There are four steps you can take together to make your dreams a reality. I like to call this the WISH approach.
W = Want: Describe a goal you have for yourself or for the two of you as a couple.
I = Involvement: How can you each contribute to the success of your goal?
S = Set a timeline: Select a specific date or a timeline in months or years.
H = How to: List the detailed steps you’ll need to take to achieve your goal.

Courtship is about spending time together preparing for your future. Watching and listening are very important skills when it comes to learning about your spouse. Enjoy getting to KNOW each other, and that journey will last a lifetime.

Sailing The 7 C’s = Part 1

Barb and I recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, so I guess you could say I have marriage on my mind. However, over the years, we’ve watched many family members and friends untie the knot. I struggled to understand how people could just walk away. I wanted to do something, anything, to change that pattern. Barb had only one thing to say. “You’re a trainer…, figure it out”.

That comment sparked quite a discussion and became the springboard to a real life research project. As a corporate trainer, I was on the road quite a bit. I decided to take advantage of that by conducting informal interviews about marriage and divorce with anyone who would talk to me. I’d start conversations on airplanes, in restaurants, in classrooms, in hotel lobbies, on evening walks, and anywhere else I had the chance to meet people and just listen. Two years and many conversations later, the answers became clear. What keeps a marriage together? What causes a couple to call it quits? With that information, and a solid foundation about what God says, I created an interactive one day workshop titled, “Sailing the 7 C’s of a Successful Marriage”.

However, not everyone has the opportunity to attend a workshop, so I’ve decided to share my findings in a series of blogs. If you’re engaged or married, it is my sincere hope that you will find a path to true joy in your relationship.

This is the first of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Based on the title, I will be comparing the elements of marriage to components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for the workshop and this blog series.

Part 1: COMMUNICATION (The Keel)
1 Corinthians 13:1

On a sailboat, the keel is the most important part. It stabilizes the boat and keeps it well balanced. In your relationship, that stability and balance is just as important. “TALK” to each other.

I met an older gentleman while on a recent flight. We talked about the fact that he had been married for 50 years. I asked him the key to their success. His response was, “I wear a hearing aid. When she talks, I listen. When she talks too much, well… I turn down the volume.”

He laughed, and then assured me that he and his wife talk about everything. I asked if they ever ran out things to talk about. He quietly looked out the window, gave a deep sigh, turned to me, and said, “A lot happens in 50 years.”

Of course it does, I thought, what a stupid question! Sadly, many couples get quiet very early in their relationships. This silence becomes the norm. I’ve heard people say that they’re quiet because they’re comfortable. That’s not comfortable, it’s dangerous. However, there are ways to maintain successful communication. In your relationship, you will need to constantly communicate, maybe for 50 years… or more. Learn how to really T.A.L.K. to each other.

Take TIME
Many couples say that they are just too busy to sit and have a conversation. Work, family, friends, TV, computer, sports, and so many other activities have a way of robbing us of our time. Well, if that’s true, you are an accomplice in the theft of your most precious resource, your time. Take time to have meaningful conversations with your partner.

ASK questions
When you have these conversations, it’s not a speech. Instead, it’s a two-way street. It’s OK to ask questions. That is your best opportunity to really understand what your partner is saying.

LISTEN well
What each of you has to say is important. Try to eliminate any distractions. Barb and I will sit on the couch with the TV off! Yes, you can actually do that. Sometimes, we sit on the patio to really focus on our conversation. Find a place in your home that the two of you can use as a conversation location (Sorry, Barb works in a library, so occasionally I’m inspired by authors like Dr. Seuss). The key here is to listen well, and if you’re paying attention, that’s a much easier task.

Have you ever met a couple that said they know each other so well that they can finish each other’s sentences? Cuuute… yet annoying in a serious conversation. Remain quiet while your partner talks. You’ll know when it’s your turn. We get so caught up in what our response will be that we don’t really listen to what the other person is saying. Part of that is due to our need to express our own opinion or insert our own experience.

KEEP an open mind
Be open to what your partner has to say. Consider the fact that most people are actually attracted to someone who is not exactly like themselves. Since opposites attract, you quickly discover that you won’t have identical views on everything either. That’s OK. Let your partner express his or her views and ideas. Once you really understand the message, point, opinion, situation, etc, then reply.

It’s also important to remain calm. Emotion has a funny way of inhibiting our ability to listen. Isn’t that how society is though? If someone has different beliefs, some people just react or overreact rather than taking the time to really listen. That choice, to react rather than respond, creates a communication limitation. It can cause people to tune each other out. Remember, a lot happens in our daily lives. If you really want stability and balance in your marriage, lovingly TALK to each other.