Barb and I recently celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, so I guess you could say I have marriage on my mind. However, over the years, we’ve watched many family members and friends untie the knot. I struggled to understand how people could just walk away. I wanted to do something, anything, to change that pattern. Barb had only one thing to say. “You’re a trainer…, figure it out”.

That comment sparked quite a discussion and became the springboard to a real life research project. As a corporate trainer, I was on the road quite a bit. I decided to take advantage of that by conducting informal interviews about marriage and divorce with anyone who would talk to me. I’d start conversations on airplanes, in restaurants, in classrooms, in hotel lobbies, on evening walks, and anywhere else I had the chance to meet people and just listen. Two years and many conversations later, the answers became clear. What keeps a marriage together? What causes a couple to call it quits? With that information, and a solid foundation about what God says, I created an interactive one day workshop titled, “Sailing the 7 C’s of a Successful Marriage”.

However, not everyone has the opportunity to attend a workshop, so I’ve decided to share my findings in a series of blogs. If you’re engaged or married, it is my sincere hope that you will find a path to true joy in your relationship.

This is the first of 7 blogs, each exploring a different element of a successful marriage. Based on the title, I will be comparing the elements of marriage to components of a sailboat. Each element also begins with the letter “C” resulting in the name for the workshop and this blog series.

Part 1: COMMUNICATION (The Keel)
1 Corinthians 13:1

On a sailboat, the keel is the most important part. It stabilizes the boat and keeps it well balanced. In your relationship, that stability and balance is just as important. “TALK” to each other.

I met an older gentleman while on a recent flight. We talked about the fact that he had been married for 50 years. I asked him the key to their success. His response was, “I wear a hearing aid. When she talks, I listen. When she talks too much, well… I turn down the volume.”

He laughed, and then assured me that he and his wife talk about everything. I asked if they ever ran out things to talk about. He quietly looked out the window, gave a deep sigh, turned to me, and said, “A lot happens in 50 years.”

Of course it does, I thought, what a stupid question! Sadly, many couples get quiet very early in their relationships. This silence becomes the norm. I’ve heard people say that they’re quiet because they’re comfortable. That’s not comfortable, it’s dangerous. However, there are ways to maintain successful communication. In your relationship, you will need to constantly communicate, maybe for 50 years… or more. Learn how to really T.A.L.K. to each other.

Take TIME
Many couples say that they are just too busy to sit and have a conversation. Work, family, friends, TV, computer, sports, and so many other activities have a way of robbing us of our time. Well, if that’s true, you are an accomplice in the theft of your most precious resource, your time. Take time to have meaningful conversations with your partner.

ASK questions
When you have these conversations, it’s not a speech. Instead, it’s a two-way street. It’s OK to ask questions. That is your best opportunity to really understand what your partner is saying.

LISTEN well
What each of you has to say is important. Try to eliminate any distractions. Barb and I will sit on the couch with the TV off! Yes, you can actually do that. Sometimes, we sit on the patio to really focus on our conversation. Find a place in your home that the two of you can use as a conversation location (Sorry, Barb works in a library, so occasionally I’m inspired by authors like Dr. Seuss). The key here is to listen well, and if you’re paying attention, that’s a much easier task.

Have you ever met a couple that said they know each other so well that they can finish each other’s sentences? Cuuute… yet annoying in a serious conversation. Remain quiet while your partner talks. You’ll know when it’s your turn. We get so caught up in what our response will be that we don’t really listen to what the other person is saying. Part of that is due to our need to express our own opinion or insert our own experience.

KEEP an open mind
Be open to what your partner has to say. Consider the fact that most people are actually attracted to someone who is not exactly like themselves. Since opposites attract, you quickly discover that you won’t have identical views on everything either. That’s OK. Let your partner express his or her views and ideas. Once you really understand the message, point, opinion, situation, etc, then reply.

It’s also important to remain calm. Emotion has a funny way of inhibiting our ability to listen. Isn’t that how society is though? If someone has different beliefs, some people just react or overreact rather than taking the time to really listen. That choice, to react rather than respond, creates a communication limitation. It can cause people to tune each other out. Remember, a lot happens in our daily lives. If you really want stability and balance in your marriage, lovingly TALK to each other.